Another kindergarten girl

It has been awhile since I have updated my blog. So, today I will be giving two Loves of Future Past. The first on is Kayla McKeever. We were in kindergarten. When I realized I had a crush on her I thought of the perfect plan. I would suggest that we play Power Rangers and I would be Jason the Red Ranger, the leader, the toughest, the most likely candidate to the mate of Kimberly, the Pink Ranger, who Kayla would be.
Now this plan had no motive behind, I didn't expect anything out of it other than I would then be the make believe boyfriend of someone. Stupid, but I was happy with it... for a time. All until Tommy, the Green Ranger, with his fucking cool ponytail and badass flute dagger that called upon a dragon zord. How was Jason supposed to compete with that? No way. After Tommy made his appearance on the show and was established as Kimberly's love interest evasive actions had to be made. I had to renounce all Jasondom and then call dibs on Tommy.
That was until Andrew Layton called dibs on Tommy the second we walked into school. I was heart broken, my weird secret fake relationship, was over.

He's WHAT!?!

Clay Aiken recently came out and said that he was gay leading stupid people everywhere to be shocked.

Come on pastry we are trying to watch the game.

Someone tell this cake to "Shut the fuck up".

First crush

This is the first of many entries of various crushes and loves I've had in the past. I may change some names because of mean things I will say, but probably not. I don't see these some of these people often, but when I visit my hometown of Phillipsburg it is impossible to know who has become a "townie". I have decided to do this chronologically. Some of it I can't remember when it began, but whatever. I will begin with Kelsey Scalfaro. There was some girl in pre-school that I liked, but I forgot what her name was.
So, congratulations to Kelsey you've become my first crush by default. Well it was at another preschool I went after the formentioned one. It was taught by Mrs. Lisse. All I remember was that I had a crush on her, but she had a crush on some kid named Brandon Sands. Upon realizing this I wanted to go fight him, but instead gave up and then had a crush on another girl. I had discovered giving up and observational comedy. Observational comedy because that kid Brandon Sands always played in a sandbox a fact that I had noticed and mad fun of him for this fact.
Jeez, I haven't even gotten to the good stories yet. Sorry, you've got to deal with Keanu Reeves in Dracula until you get to Anthony Hopkins and Gary Oldman. These first few will be Keanu Reeves.

Guess whose mom thought they were doing gay porn?

Sorry mom this is not you son.

Well, no it's not David Abel from my forensics class senior year of high school. (Which by the way was a class of forensics investigation it was pretty awesome.) It is in fact me! Why,you might be asking? There is only one thing and one thing only to blame, the internet. Let me explain, when you type in my name on Google several things come up. Some videos, some articles, and my name has crossed a few blogs. Well to the page in particular instead of just Googling (It is a word, spellcheck! (Spellcheck your name is a word. Are you retarded?))* me and searching for a couple minutes just type in Alan Starzinski and bollywood. (Come on spellcheck this is a word too.) Well i will make it even easier: http://utopianvision.co.uk/bollywood/videos/?v=ruOn0STbwUw / just go there.
You done? Well that is a video of a friend of mine's reaction to watching gay porn and since this is what is reads when clicking on to get to the site:

You're Watching Me Watch Filth (nsfw) - Bollywood Videos","Bollywood related videos. ... Abigoliah Schamaun Alan Starzinski Rob Stern. Duration: 5:39 Views: 250. Tags: city, darko, donnie, form, improv, kendall, ...

utopianvision.co.uk/bollywood/videos/?v=ruOn0STbwUw - 84k - Cached - Similar pages - Note this

My mom, lovely woman automatically assumes that her son is either the dude being fucked or fucking someone in the ass. Well as I am greatly hesitant to dissappoint I am neither of these guys. If one scrolls down on the page you will see an improv set with me and my friend Rob Stern. While in that video I do fuck Rob it wasn't meant to be seen as porn, but art, improv arts!

All of this stems from high school where I did a bunch of musicals (Yeah, not less gay than the porn), never really had a girlfriend, I never talked about girls to her (She is my mom. Also she gave me really shitty advice when I was a freshman that prevented me from dating an attractice senior.) and based on the well known fact that I am a virgin. All of signs point to gay. I guess she is constantly looking out for it because it scares her that I am, just like whenever I go home I look for cigarettes because she had a cancer scare a couple of years ago and it scares me. We look for things that scare us to try and disprove it, but in doing that we almost convince ourselves the oppsite more and more. Human nature. It's a funny thing. And for the record, for anyone reading from high school, Dave Abel's a homo.

*Spellcheck is giving me shit by saying that its own name was not a word. after writing it I realized you can't see the red dotted line.

Horse FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, so we eat the loser right? This is my first time at one of these things so...

Same sentence different meaning.

Check out those corn rows!

Check out those corn rows!

He's got bigger problems.

Nigga, get off that condor!

Not this arguement again.

You stole my boyfriend!

I am a rebel and a girl.

Hey click one of these two bars above to go to the link.

I was perusing the ol' piratebay.org looking for music to download. Illegally! Yeah, I am a rebel don't talk about or do I don't care. Thats how much of a fucking rebel, I am. Away from that tangent. Well I decided to download almost every Disney movie soundtrack. Again REBEL. Well long story short I found this song from Toy Story 2. In all honesty I cried when I listened to it. REBEL. The song is "When She Loved Me" By Sarah Malachlan. GIRL.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Is_hpHzEMiE

You suck George Lucas!

The man took a shit on number 9 of the things I love the most in the world. I am speaking of Indiana Jones. The treasure in KNOWLEDGE! Really? Since when is Indiana Jones a fucking episode of Wishbone. Did you really have to cram that in there? You know what would have been more rewarding than knowledge being the treasure? Uh, anything. A scroll, a book, Excalibur, or something. That is like seeing a porno where no one has sex. Also, aliens? Calling them extra-dimensional doesn't make you clever just retarded. As outdated and offensive the statement may be call a spade a fucking spade. They were aliens your veil has been pulled down Wizard we see it's just an old guy. Fuck those prairie dogs!

WALL-E

I have not in many years loved a movie as much as this one. The best animated movie I have ever seen. Better than Aladdin, better than the South Park movie. I cried three separate times during the movie. This is all coming from a guy who is generally skeptical and usually hates CGI in all its terrible forms. I have nothing at all bad to say about this movie. The only thing negative that could be said about the movie is that it doesn't continue for the rest of my life. My only fear is that they will make a sequel and ruin it. Don't Indiana Jones this Pixar. Let this stand alone as your greatest achievement. God did I hate the new Indiana Jones. I will talk about that later....

Awesome News

I have to explain this first. I hate my dad. He is a horrible person. Just terrible I will most likely make future posts of his douchebag antics. I haven't seen him in four years. As for the awesome news. I found out he is a janitor at an old folks home. Is it wrong to feel happy imagining him picking up geriatric bodily waste all day? If so I don't want to be right.